Welcome home, Toni

I'm sure everyone at some point in time can remember bits and pieces of their dreams. Some more prolific then others but I've always been a firm believer that dreams speak truth in very mysterious ways. Books have been written, talk shows as funny as they are, even classes at the local junior college teach the very schematical breakdown of dreams to be deciphered for you and me. One might be flying, naked before a large group of people, falling or running for dear life but it is all brought on by the brain's clever ability to work out one's problems while we rest. Believe it or not but the brain is busier when sleeping then while watching your favorite television program. Seems backwards, doesn't it. During the day our minds become so cluttered with every day happenings that the brain screams for relief. Once it finally gets it, thought processes kick in and the subconscious create patterns almost like movies. Hopefully the segments you see at night aren't so abstract as to not understand then but most are. So grab the popcorn, sit back and put your feet up on the back of the seat in front of you. Comfortable? Now watch the big screen as it plays an independent film about your life. Don't look away or you might miss the one thing that makes sense of the whole movie.

I'm sure you've had that broken dream before. I'm usually pretty lucky to remember the entire dream most of the time. Even if I don't, there are many times I have the same reoccurring dream so picking out those bits and pieces aren't that hard to do. Those dreams are the ones that are problem solving huge issues in my life. I'm patient, trust me, I need all the help I can get. Recently I finally solved the mystery behind this one particular dream that has haunted me for a long time. It took me several restless nights to put it all together. Of course the dream plays itself in it's entirety every night but when you don't remember every last notion, it takes some time to put it all together and make sense of it all. It was simple but it meant soo much to me and I was proud of myself if not tearful in the end. No one, even though they've tried, could prove to me the very same thing my dream did. I just had to learn it myself. And learn, I did.

In this dream I walked down a path that was nothing special. It was just plain and grown over, with barely a notice of its direction but never had it been unclear to me. It's the same one over and over but rarely did I veer into the unknown unless I had this feeling that someone was with me. Didn't know who or what it was. But it filled me up with this hope that I can find my way to wherever it was I was going.

Most times I walked alone. I wasn't afraid. Actually, I felt calm and collected. One time I sat down at a picnic table and watched this little girl giggle while her father tried to convince her that worms didn't tickle as he placed it so carefully in her little hand. She was full of life as she smiled from ear to ear. Little pig tails bounced around when she skipped along the shore line after she lost interest of that worm she tossed on the ground. The mother and father would steal kisses when the children weren't looking. But the giggles coming from over there said they were caught none the less. The mother... I don't remember her features but from the expressions on the father's face just said…

"She's Beautiful".

I could have stayed there forever and watched that family. But I usually found myself getting up from the table and walking away across the water, letting the coolness rush over my feet. I don't understand why I didn't fall in but the water became sand as I reached the other side. I remember turning around to find that family but they were
gone.

Almost like a flash of light, it was scene two. The dream placed me on yet another path but at times this part was obscured by a thick dark fog. I could see just below the heavy clouds where to make my next step but I couldn't see what was coming. I found myself running in no particular direction, scared and alone while my hands grazed the rough bark on the trees. They would come back bleeding and sore but that was the only way I could find my way out. …I just couldn't see… My heart would race, my chest would heave. The fear would start to overcome me but I ran faster. Sometimes it would nip at my heels or tugged at my dress, trying to stop me yet I refused to let it drag me down into that abyss below my feet.

Once stumbled, I got up and shook the fear off, looking around for anything, even my own shadow. I felt like I searched forever, blindly throwing my hands out in front of me hoping for someone to grab hold of. I became dizzy and disoriented looking down all the time. So I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I reached my hand out for something, anything, one last time. It was then that I felt a little hand in mine. I opened my eyes to see that I was in a meadow. Clear of the fog. Once again I looked behind me and I saw nothing but more rolling hills but I could hear the laughter of that little girl as she said "Come on!"

I remember the meadow turned to plains of swaying grass and breathing in the scent of the flowers and clean crisp air. I knew it was just a dream but the smell was so pungent that I could have actually picked a few to take on my walk but stopped myself for they would have wilted and perished. Touching one, it was so fragile, merely shattered like glass in my hand. Touched another and it did the same. I remember becoming sad that my touch would have made something as beautiful as a flower feel pain and die. So I shoved my hands in the pocket of my dress only to wince when bit by the thorn of a rose I did not place there. Pulling the velvety soft petals from my pocket, the fragrance filled my senses. Ironic that beauty was painful as it was.

Once again, I closed my eyes, a mere blink, only to open them in a very familiar situation. No meadow, no flowers, no fog. I was driving down a road I have driven soo many times before, top down, hair blowing in the wind and my arm precariously hanging in the fast air sweeping down the side of the car. The tank was on empty but I drove for hours only to stop in front of my mother's house.

The door was open, inviting, I could smell dinner in the kitchen and I chuckled to myself. Dinner was almost done. I knew it. I walked to the sink and washed my hands then sat at the table, waiting, thumbing thru the stacks of crayon scribbles and art work stacked on the side. Above me I could hear footsteps too light to be that of my mother's. Curios, I followed the sounds upstairs to my old room. Each step was a memory I won't soon forget. That's when I smiled to myself, inner laughter I guess you could say as I looked down the stair case and watched that family enjoy Christmas. I could see the tinsel and smell the pine, but what got me the most was that little girl that ran past me as I rounded the last corner. She was older but I knew it was her. That giggle was the give away. I remember turning around to follow her back down the stairs but again, she was gone.

I searched the house. No one was there. Empty. Searched the yard, it was devoid of laughter and chaos.

Empty.

I sat down to gather myself because by this time I was both mentally and physically exhausted. In reality I was tossing and turning, desperately trying to find myself comfortable and fighting to stay asleep.

Sometimes I fell back to sleep. Other times I couldn't help but wake and not fall back into that sleep that I needed so badly. But even though I did, it didn't stop me from picking up where I left of the next night or a week later. That little girl… Where did she go? Who was she really? It was almost like flipping the TV on and pushing play, watching that movie right were you stopped it earlier.

This time I found myself asking those same questions as I walked out of the house and down the street. I didn't know where I was going, I was just…walking. Morning became night. The sun's warmth became the moon's coldness as I shivered uncontrollably. Finally I ended up crouching down and wrapping my arms around my legs, resting my head on my knees and cried. It seemed like forever before I heard this voice. It was…Her voice. Telling me to come with her. To get up and walk with her. I could see nothing but a shadow in the moonlight. Being that I was utterly alone I could only surmise that it was my own shadow. She wasn't near me as shadows inherently do but at least my shadow stayed with me on my journey to wherever it was that I was going.

I don't know how I found the energy but my pace quickened as the sun came up. Sadness overwhelmed me when realized my shadow, my companion, was no longer there. I looked everywhere for her. No where. Looked behind me, nothing. Once again I was alone. Nothing unlike reality really. Then I felt this touch of warmth on my shoulder and a little voice saying "Come on lets go, almost there" That little girl, my shadow hadn't left me. She just became more of what I needed to see the way home. That ray of sunshine that filled me up where I was once so empty.

This is where it got weird. I found myself on the footsteps of my house. It looked the same, all the way down to the bikes that the kids left casually on the lawn near my car earlier in day. As I opened the door and walked inside, I suddenly became tired. Fell into my sheets, wanting sleep to find me. But all I could think of was that little girl. Changed as she did, I knew it was the same person whether she was that little girl afraid of the worm, the one being chased down the stairs by her brother, or the barely there shadow that kept me company at a distance. Where did she go? Who did she become to make her so familiar?

Sleep finally found me, funny it sounds I know, sleeping in a dream where I am obviously sleeping in reality. But I was awaken with a slight nudge and giggle "Wake up, sleepy head, wake up" I bolted awake not believing my ears and at this point in the dream I really felt like I was no longer asleep. Surely it was just a figment of my imagination, but I rolled out of bed, rubbing my eyes, standing before my mirror and looking at a woman staring back at me. Not just anyone woman, it was me. I couldn't help but giggle to myself as you could have knocked me over with a feather when I swear to you the woman in the mirror said something back to me.

Then I wake. Fresh. Knowing it was going to be a good day.

I hoped….

To you this dream prolly means nothing more than a woman's rambling perception of her mind's restless subconscious. To me it's a lot more. It's a reminder of my past. The path of which I took to become the woman I am now. Even more so, it's a reminder of who I was. That's why I went home. To find myself when I felt lost. But I have never left. Sometimes I feel like I've lost pieces of myself. But she's still there. I just needed that little giggle of a reminder to bring me back to my senses. Problem solved. Issue put to rest...

For now

What did that woman in the mirror say to me, you ask? I sigh softly and say...
Welcome home, Toni