Pliers, Flappers, and Eyeliner, OH MY!

Ok…so I've never been the one to say I can't do something. Well at least when it comes to things around the house, yard and in the garage within my limits. I can change the oil in my car and bolt a header on my children's college education, shingle a roof, know the 100 and 1 uses for Goop, refill the weed wacker's line, clean gutters, build a wall, even know and understand the usage of all MY power tools from the table, miter and jig saws to the drills, router, joiners and so on. Installing cabinets, counter tops, flooring, and light fixtures don't give my hives and spider webs and 4 inches of sewage backed up in the basement doesn't make me puke anymore.

So…

Why can I not fix the fuggin toilet flapper thingy??????

For months the water bill has crept up like the hemline of Brittney Spears' new tragic fashion faux pas and I can no long afford it; well, for that matter, neither can Brittney but her issues are not mine even though they are funny as hell to read in the grocery store checkout while I'm waiting for the X-press 20 items or less line to move a little faster than a constipated turtle. Several times, to prevent the water from constantly draining into the village's petty cash, I've taken action but unfortunately, it hasn't stopped it. Today I went out and bought a new assembly in hopes to once again fix a problem that has given me headaches after each and every flush.

Easy right?

So it seems.

Read the directions

Pretty explanatory.

I'm prepared.

Tank drained, sopped up, water shut off. Instructions said only tools needed were screw drivers and plumbing tape. I GOT IT. Not a problem. Sitting backasswards on the loo I'm disassembling the old and found a problem. W.O.N.T come out. Read the directions, again. Hmmmm.quite a quandary. (I'd rub my temples in contemplation but the assurance that the tank water was nothing short of sanitary was far beyond my grasp…) Looking under the tank I realized the directions forgot something very important to add to the list of tools needed to accomplish the job but not without bashing my head on the edge of the counter first that was barely 6 inches from the loo itself. A little flippin' plastic nut was between me and the completion of a very simple project.

…sigh

Pliers, I have pliers!

So basement I go since they were not present in the junk drawer ( the last place I put them ) and guess what…Nooo pliers. Ok out to the garage I went, Hell Rich had to have left something in the garage for me to use, after all, my tools had to go somewhere, right? I searched thru dust and web covered tool boxes and counter tops, the oil dry'd floor amidst thrown car parts that fit prolly nothing made from this millennia, and under and in boxes littering the sides of the 2-car garage to no avail. Unfortunately, what I did find was things that have been missing from my house for along time.

Glass Pyrex bowls, ladles, spoons, forks, well…there's my steak knives, ?a baby bottle?, not sure why my eyeliner was out there, a shoe from when my son was prolly no older than 4, contact case, MY BRA!, stainless steel bake ware including the 8qt bowls and loaf pans, Maple syrup, tweezers, ketchup, pizza pan, and funnels. Not one pair of pliers…WTF! Only thing I could think of was that Bimbo was enjoying my tools as much as she was my husband and I seriously didn't want them back after she touched either one of them. To be honest I'd like to shove this toilet flapper thingy up her….

As far as the pliers were concerned, looks like I'm headed to the hardware store, again….

I'll get this done.

If it kills someone or

Tidy bowl man…

Don't knock on my door, you might meet your end by means of the old toilet flapper thingy.