Believe!

Tis the season once again. Are you ready? Presents wrapped, bows tied tight, garland strung from hearth to doorway and everyone on your Christmas list has been checked off whether they’ve been naughty or not? How about the house? Is it all decorated up to gaudy seasonal standards? Me? Why do you ask? Isn’t it slightly rude to answer a question with another question? If you must know the front of my house is adorned with red berries and cinnamon scented pine cones, evergreen trees and symbols of seasonal sentiment; splashes of red and green here and there give this troubled spirit some semblance of a time to be merry and happy. And I say that with all the sarcasm I can muster at this point, thank you very much.

*shrugs*

Yesterday, (ok this entire month) I’ve struggled with the lack of Holiday cheer. It’s been very difficult to be joyful and not let my children down. Unfortunately, I failed miserably. For the last so many years a huge tree with sparkling lights and glistening ornaments was placed in front of the big window in the living room. It was an event to behold when setting it up. Umteen boxes of delicate glass trimmings, unwrapped so carefully, were placed just right where they needed to be, almost like the small spaces and defects in the tree were naturally there for just that purpose, all the while soft holiday music played in the background. Hours later and all done, lights would be turned off and we’d pile outside to look at it from the front yard.

The outside was just as decorated. Garland and ribbons, wreaths for every window, icicle lights dangled from gutters and the porch posts where wrapped like candy canes. Little did anyone know but I always decorated the outside of the house to match that which had adorned the big front window on the inside. Call it what you want. I wanted it to be perfect. Why? I don’t know, maybe I wanted to project the Holiday spirit to each and every driver that sped by on the busy street in front of the house just in case they didn’t have quite enough to get them through their day…Maybe I wanted them to slow down, take the time and remember the reason we celebrate every December 25th for hundreds and hundreds of years.

This year, I barely have anything outside. Just a wreath on the garage door, a small span of garland over the window held up by two bows. No lights, no candy canes, no ribbons and no 8ft tree in the big front window. Drivers pass by as they usually do, paying no attention the little blue house. This year, I brought up only 4 boxes, not the 30 or so that sat in the basement. Just the red berries, a few little evergreen trees and decorative boxes to sit under the table where the tree usually sat til Jan 2nd. On top of that little table was a lit tree with a few smaller ones sitting on a fluffy white cloud of fluff. Not the 8ft tree by any means. And as I looked around the house, not much holiday spirit, either. Sad really. But for the sake of my children, I gave it my best shot and went through the motions that always took place the day after Thanksgiving. Even though, to be perfectly honest, it took me until just last week to finish. Almost time to rip it all down…



I remember when I was younger, the lights were magical, the sounds and sights were glorious, and I was awe struck the moment the tree was cut down and drug home. We had this huge box, brought back from England when we lived there. I couldn’t wait until my father brought the stuff up from the basement and we could get all the decorations out. White bottom, Red lid, I could sleep in it, it was so big. Omigosh, the smell of Christmas as soon as mom cracked the seal, would overload my senses and I was in La La land. I’m sure everyone has memories like that. Remember tinsel?? Static shock the moment you touched someone. Draggin’ your footied pjs across the floor on purpose and racing after your big mean sibling just so you could give them a good shock, lol.

Us kids would play like that while mom sorted out all the decorations, right down to the little blue felt balls that my brother bit as a baby. She’d climb up ladders to hang mistletoe as my brother and I would chase each other or play with the blue sparkly metal garland. Like I said before, it was magical the moment the lights were plugged in, along with the other 10 things in a 2 gang outlet. Christmas morning, Charlie and I would wake with the dawn and creep downstairs, peek through the banister to see if Santa was still there. Wasn’t, of course, but WOW presents!! So we’d run all the way to mom and dad’s room and wake them up. “Can we open presents? CAN WE CAN WE??!!??” All said and done, we’d get ready in our new clothes we just got and pack ourselves in the Rambler and head to the Grandparents for a HUGE dinner and more presents and sing Christmas carols with Grandma as she poked away on the organ. I was happy, content, and full of Holiday spirit.

What happened? Some say that the moment we no longer believe in Santa Claus, we lose the very spirit that fuels the season. Some, I said “Some”. I had it until a few years ago but I hadn’t believed in the fat man since the 2nd grade. It’s like someone has pulled the plug and all the magic has dried up. This year, I didn’t put up the 8ft tree. I couldn’t even bare the thought of dragging it up stairs. This is what it’s become, I suppose. The Christmas season. Nothing more than dedicated decorations unearthed for only a month out of the year then placed back into its longevity til next time. It’s been summarily commercialized and placed for you and yours to buy buy buy the few weeks before Halloween in hopes that everyone will give the almighty dollar to an already fat cash cow.

I’ve lost my Christmas spirit. I’ve lost the magic. I’ve lost the ability to believe.

I layed in bed last night, for hours since I didn’t sleep; went through some wonderful memories of days gone by. Then I could have kicked myself for not letting my children have the same opportunity as I did. They helped me decorate, don’t get me wrong, I did put up quite a bit, just not as much as I used to. I keep thinking to myself, have I ruined it for my kids? I feel horrid for not putting up a tree and decorating it. What have I become? I’ve become Scrooge in a sense and to be perfectly honest, I wish for those 3 symbolic spirits to come visit me tonight. I want the magic back. I just don’t know how.

The last couple of years haven’t been the greatest in the Karr household. Wish it was back to normal and my family back together. I don’t mind the shuffling and hurried time spent with several different sides of the family, I just want that feeling of togetherness that I used to have when I was a kid, the magic. I want to be kissed under the mistletoe and tinsel shocked. I want to be woke up before dawn to open the bevy of presents that magically appeared after midnight and see the faces of my children light up when they rip off the pretty paper.

Tis the season to give and not receive. Mommy doesn’t care that she’s not anything to open. Just the excitement in a flourish of ribbon and shouts of “oooh” is good enough for me. I seem to not be able to get passed the fact that I can’t give my kids what we used to. Give my family just the same. Sort of negates any and all feeling of seasonal cheer. I can’t really get into the holiday spirit if I’m so distraught over the fact that I feel like a failure. I’d much rather forget the 25th of December all together. But I can’t do that to my kids who still believe in the magic.

As I lay there, I began to think of all the things I have to give and what’s been given to me. Doesn’t cost money, it’s not the price tag or check mark on the Christmas list. I need to get over myself and get back to being Toni and give my children the best Christmas that I can.

The only thing I wish for Christmas can’t fit in a stocking or wrapped up in pretty green and red paper and tied with a bow. The only thing I want for Christmas is the magic. I wish this gift for everyone. EVERYONE. Take the time, people, relive and remember how it used to be. Give the gift that someone can believe in. It opens up so many feelings and euphoric sensations, makes a person happy. I want to be happy. So in closing I’ll say this simply and I hope you take it with all the sincerity of a woman who used to overflow with Holiday Cheer and wants so badly to get it back...

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas to you and your family!!

Merry Christmas you yellow snowman on the lawn!!

Merry Christmas you old building and loan!!

Light up that tree and sing till you puke eggnog out your nose, go caroling and drive through the town, looking at all the pretty lights. Catch that Holiday spirit before it’s gone and give it out all year long because the more you give the more the magic grows.

Believe in the magic. Believe in yourself. Believe!!