Dear Burglar

Dear Burglar,

I want to take this opportunity to thank you for letting me know that my heart does indubitably tick, and not just tick, I mean wild and off the scale. It’s been pretty numb of late for obvious reasons, and only races when I have to “P” and I’m a whole house away from the Loo or when I get my cell phone bill. You, on the other hand, made my heart feel as if it was going to jump entirely out of my chest this morning. I felt alive and invigorated and I’m sure, if need be, the adrenaline boost it gave could have helped me lift a double-decker bus.

Why you ask? Well, I’ll be more than happy to explain why I am soo happy that you decided to trespass on my property.

Today, morning as usual, I fall out of bed, grab the inhaler and head towards the front of the house to see if by some chance the lottery fairy left me a million bucks on the kitchen counter. Unfortunately, there was no such lump sum just the lump in my throat as you laid a trap for me half way down the hallway. What? What was that I heard you say? You’re not a very good burglar, are you? Flunk out of Breaking and Entry 101, did ya? Maybe you should go back to school and try that class again, but before you leave, please do me a favor and turn off the lights and furnace in the garage…

Oh and before you go, I want to thank you once again for shoveling the 2 feet of snow from in front of the garage door. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do that myself, asthma and all. I even thought last night as I watched the footage of the white powdery stuff fall from the sky… Toni, you’re a goof, you left the snow shovel in the garage and you can’t even see the steps to get off the porch, how you gonna get out?

I’m sure it was tedious to get in there since the blizzard last night. Maybe that’s the reason there was only one set of footprints leading TO the garage and not from and the very reason you decided to sleep in my car. No that’s ok, I didn’t mind so much not leaving part, since it makes it easier for the police to apprehend your stupid ass. What really pissed me off was that you decided to plug in the furnace that hadn’t been serviced or even turned on in well over a year. I understand it’s the Holiday season and it IS better to give than to receive but that very furnace prolly cost me about $100 to make you all cozy and toasty warm. Oh, I’m sorry, it wasn’t the furnace that made you toasty? Silly me, I didn’t realize you came already insulated…

I’m curious, though. Answer me this, since you were already in the car, why didn’t you just open my wallet up and set ablaze my checkbook and any cash that was in my purse? Probably would have been a hella lot cheaper than to plug in that old furnace. Especially when you could have stomped out the measly little pile of burning fundage a lot easier than the possibility of burning down my fucking house.

Well, I must close here. I’ve could have written a lot more, but you best be on your way. The police, even though the roads are treacherous, thought it comical when I called them up with this information and wanted to get here post haste. If I were them, I’d be a little let down actually. You know, the thrill of the chase. Not so much a thrill if your suspect is still lounging in the passenger seat of the car in the garage he so chose to trespass. But they prolly just wanted to see with their own eyes, the most stupid burglar in the world. It’s entirely too bad that the only pair of handcuffs in the vicinity was under my bed and not in the car. You could have apprehended yourself.

Farewell, Burglar
Home Owner

PS. please leave my checkbook in its entirety on the front seat of my car, lock it and give the officer the keys. Dudley Doo Right can give them back to me when he fills out the police report. Thanks so much, you’re too kind, REALLY!!