Let's talk about sex baby

So…when is it a good time to talk to your kids about “Things”? And by “Things” of course I’m referring to that ooh so tender moment when you break out the Unabridged Encyclopedia of the Smart Ass and point at the engrossly enlarged picture of the male anatomy and say “Keep that away from THAT until you’re married” while pointing to the picture across the page of pretty little “Flower”.

I understand that next year Bubba is going to get the chance to watch the “This is your body” movie with the rest of his male brethren in a cold and stale classroom environment but he won’t listen. I’m not oblivious, I know my son. They’ll talk amongst them selves and giggle then get grossed out when either the PE or GC will point to the diagram of the “penis” and explain what happens when the blood flows but neglect to explain WHY.

And yes I said “penis”; after all, in our family the ratio is 3 boys to 2 girls (I’m including the dogs since Sir Captain Crapsalot can’t quite seem to keep his >for lack of better words since I don’t know one< not out…OMG! it’s touching my carpet again!!). Therefore, we have a plethora of Penis’s in the house. Did I spell that right? Penis’s? Or is it peni? Penises? Sad thing is, my office assistance didn’t tell me I fugged up so I don’t know!! Maybe I should use Scrotum but that could lead me back to the same situation. Scrotums? Scroti? Scrotumes? Which is more scientific and embarrassing? I want to use THAT one!

Ok back to the PE teacher and his stick trying to explain Morning Wood to 30 boys who thought it funny that the whole time the stick was precariously touching the anus… Hey I remember hearing the next room of laughing cootie ridden boys when I was 10! They should have sympathy for us girls, we got the talk about Aunt Flo but nooooo, we had to endure a week or more of x-ray vision goggle stares and nerds carrying around their notes while whispering outloud “Yeah, that’s what they really look like…” Not to mention that’s when bra snapping commenced because we started growing in places a lot faster than those boys did. Laugh it up boys…Laugh. It. Up. You’ll get yours soon enough, sort of like, NOW when your mother wants to talk about your PENIS and she’s not afraid to say PENIS because she knows it embarrasses the hell out of you! HA HA

Maybe I should explain why I feel the need to concern myself with this conversation…
Bubba, who’s 9, on more than one occasion, has had a girlfriend or two. Yup, you guessed it, my son is a playa… I used to tease him about this one girl a couple of years ago that his younger brother let spill, that I affectionately called “Petunia” because he never would tell me her name. Now, no matter who the girl is, Petunia is brought up.

Mom: (obviously when the moment hits me to embarrass my son) So…How’s Petunia?
Bubba: Mooooom, her name isn’t Petunia
Mom: Oh, so you admit, even if inadvertently, that you have a girl then? Is Petunia pretty? When do I get to meet her? *points to any girl in the school yard* Is that her?
Bubba: Mom, Ima hurt you…
Mom: Oooooh, so I’ve hit a nerve have I? That means she’s here. Her? Her? How bout her? Come on, boy, give a dog a bone, tell me!
Bubba: *growls as his face gets a bit redder* Moooom
Mom: What??!! *smiles in silent satisfaction*

Ooooh you should have been there at Parent/Teacher conferences! The family was walking into the school and this girl walks out with her mother. Cute little thing, all dressed up to impress no one…except my son. What happened next, I will never let my son live down….

Mom: This door, Bubba? *points to the door as SHE walks out*
Bubba: *head immediately drops and face flushes* yes
Petunia: *smiles with the biggest shit eating grin there ever was, turns around in a flourish with her skirt and says at the same time in a long drawn out husky voice…* Hi….Trevor Karr! *waves*
Bubba: Hi (did he really say it? It went so quick I could barely hear him)
Mom: (this was after we all stopped dead in our tracks to assess the situation) Trevor’s got a girlfriend! And she’s cute! *pokes Bubba in the side*
Dad: Who’s that Bubba?
Poo: Bubba’s got a girlfriend!
Bubba: SHUT UP she’s not my girlfriend, she’s not Petunia and her name is Kaitlin. Can we get over this now?

Did we hit a nerve? *laughter* And of course I had to embarrass my son at Thanksgiving with that little diddy of a story to which EVERYONE enjoyed at his expense. Not to mention tell a few others who had to give him shit about. I love being a mom… BUT then…. The other day, the boys come home from school and he bursts into my room and says

Bubba: Mom? Can Rachell come over?
Mom: Rachell? Who’s Rachell? Petunia, is that Petunia?
Bubba: Moooom….seriously she’s like my best friend in the whole world and she’s wants to meet you, so can she please please please?
Mom: (after stammering a bit since I was blindsided by the notion my son wanted a girl to come over) She can’t go passed the front room

Stays but a half hour and she’s got to go home. Phew…

Mom: Petunia’s really cute
Bubba: Mooooom!

*ring ring*

Caller: Tell Bubba, let the force be with you (er something like that )
Mom: They say Let the force be with you *laughter*
Bubba: Moom! *growls* Can’t you just feel the sexual force around me *uses hand motions to accentuate*
Mom: *the sound a needle on a record makes when you pull it back harshly* WTF

So yeah… um That was soo not the comment I was looking for… I was mortified, or just shocked, I’m not sure what I was. Just the other day, this boy of 9 was running thru the house naked yelling “They’re after my lucky charms!!” and now he’s referring to his SEXual force?

Once again…so yeah…um…When is it time to have that talk? Do I need to?
Petunia…Oooh Petunia