Hey Bartender!

Ok! Sooo it’s like 3 flippin’ am on a Saturday morning, the rum has worn off and I believe I just saw my canoe float down the street in a flash of blue jolty goodness… Can we say “AWAKE”? Actually this lady has been up since before 2:30 but I’m not entirely sure y’all want to know about how I sat straight up in bed and almost wet myself from the shear break of few juicy bolts just too damn close to my window…wait a minute…guess I don’t have to hold that secret anymore.

So what does a woman do to entertain herself when no one is on Myspace, Facebook or for that matter IM, WoW, infomercials and otherwise any Chuck Norris exercise machine demonstration pre-Brinkley marriage scandal? She browses unsuspecting profiles looking for stupid things to tweak her interest and the almighty…survey. Doesn’t matter if she couldn’t find one from her own friends’ list, she finds the ones that people blog for no substantial reason other than to take up space and pretend to have intelligence. Please take no offense to that but how many of us have seen the 40 question “About Me” survey that asks the first name, birth date, eye color of the one you’ll boink or hair color and style not to mention the special section where it asks what your preference is between sunset and sunrise or or or the best of the best…who sits next to you in Math class? Yeep…that is some mighty literature for your reading pleasure, lemme tell ya! But I will have to say I did find this one profile that led me to a few surveys that have otherwise entertained me in the wee hours of the morning.

I shall give credit where credit it due…Lars, thanks so much for your drunken entry for it shall forever be etched in this little brain of mine. What caught thine eye was blog that compared the reader to a beer or better yet what sort of beer drinker they were. Yes…stay! It gets better, I promise. This simple yet complex survey asked 7 questions that perplexed me and at one point in that 30 seconds, left me thinking that I have indeed been deprived of my youth and should try to go out and re-live my 20s all over again in an attempt to sew my wild oats, so to speak…and become educated in the many ways to worship the Porcelain God. I know some of you out there are just holding on to their sides, painfully holding back laughter in that ironic statement considering I can not hold any type of liquor at all…shoosh you! But honestly, I have excuses, that rightfully so…*mumbles* leave bystanders in awe of my impressive imitations of animalistic behavior *takes deep a breath* abdicates my forbearance in enjoying such a delectable hobby. I’m sure you don’t want to hear the excuses, and that is why I won’t waste your time… *relieved*

Right off the mark, the first question asked what type of beer I enjoyed the most. Not a single, solitary answer mentioned anything that resembled what I’m used to. It merely gave the multiple choices of dark, light, white or cider (or otherwise girl drink). What the hell? Not to point out the sexism that so boldly went where many men have went before but damn people… I’ve just started the flippin’ survey and they already had me pegged! Where does it give the option of “clear, diet beer with a twist of lime”? Hmmm? Almost embarrassing…

Then it goes on to ask about American beer compared to Europ’n and quite frankly any lager has me p’n within seconds considering my bladder is the size of a thimble so once again, I stumble and fumble to opt for the girly answer of “Does it matter?” The next few questions were rather simplistic and disappointing when asked if I got drunk off beer and How do I drink the ale whether it was from a can, bottle, glass or half pint cus I’m a girl... Well honey…I get drunk off the mist once you break the seal on a fresh one and it doesn’t matter if it’s contained in a bottle, can or licking the head off my upper lip as I’ve mentioned it before, I can’t handle it. Why not poke fun at the odd one and just serve me Lemonade and get it over with unless of course it’s laced with some icy Smirnoff and you’ve got yourself a damn good dance partner for about…5 minutes. After that, you’ll be taking me home or sitting me between two people who’ll hold my fool ass up for the rest of the night while I drool in inebriated oblivion so quite frankly the question of can, bottle or glass seems a bit mute, don’t you think? If you haven’t already guessed, I had to choose the half pint answer…cus I’m a grrrrrl.

The last question had me scrambling for the “new tab” file option in my browser so I could look up it’s validity considering it sounded quite outlandish. Not that I doubted the author of such a high class post but to be honest…I did. I thought for sure this guy pulled the question out of his ass in an attempt to fulfill the minimum question quota just so it could be posted and see just how many losers, not unlike myself, would waste precious time in doing. What was the question you ask? Well I’ll shall share it with you, my dear friends…Would you mix a lager with Lemonade (Lemonade? Did someone say Lemonade?) and Grenadine? WHAT THE HELL? Do you people actually do that? Guess I should shut the flip up considering I’ve practically shoved an entire lime down the throat of a bottle on quite a few occasions but do they do that for real? Am I that naïve?

Obviously so…

I had no idea that mixing Lemonade with beer is actually called a Shandy and adding Grenadine to one is called a Monaco. I must be sheltered. The closest I’ve come to Lemonade and alcohol is a prepackaged bottled goodness in the form of a 6pack or a spiked summer afternoon on the back patio while the chillin’s had no idea mommy was feeling pretty damn gooood. Hell the last potent drink I consumed was a spiked cup of punch at a bachelorette party just last night. It might have been only a 6oz plastic cup that barely had a third drank from it before the buzz hit but it was, indeed, entirely too much from this lady to handle. I’m actually surprised I woke up at 2:30 and prolly wouldn’t have had it not been for the lightning bolt that invaded my bedroom so abruptly.

I’m a light-weight. I’m a cheap date. I’m the source of comedic entertainment when the animals escape the zoo…Yes you should most certainly NOT ask what that means, just know that pink elephants and I go waaaay back…

So there you have it…what were the results of this survey, you ask? Well, apparently I’m a girl, no…I’m a woman or someone who wants to be one and I don’t drink beer and maybe, just maybe one day I’ll become a nun and fulfill my wildest fantasies…

I took that as an insult…

*raises her can of Coke* Lars…here’s to you. Cheers!