Urine for a major surprise

Ok so, HOW do I start this one? Almost too embarrassing to even write about, actually it’s one of those things everyone should really keep to them selves to be truthful. We all do it, every man woman and child, dog, fish, bird and snake but it’s just something we keep hidden…behind closed doors…doors that have a little plaque that says “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie”. I have one of those doors. Behind it is my own little paradise; two seated shower, antique dresser sink, my own personal towels, the good TP, the non-generic lotions and shampoos, and the battery operated toothbrush that has never been licked by a dog. Mine, as in not my sons even though they continually make excuses to use, forget to pick up after themselves, or steal the last role of my aloe vera 3-ply. Lemme tell ya something, there is nothing like a big ol’ shloppy kiss from your favorite pet after she’s drank from the magic well that hasn’t been…um…. Can we say “Courtesy flush PLEASE!”

Alright back to my so called paradise.

I had this woman coming over yesterday so for the last couple days I’ve made sure my house was spotless. Well, all but the boys’ room because it usually takes me about a week and I hadn’t the time nor the patience. My hands ached and smelled like bleach and my hair? It smelled like Pledge but by 9pm that night I was done. Mirrors and windows shined, the 1 sec rule on dropped food was now 10 and the bathrooms made the Tidy Bowl Man proud.

I. Was. Ready….

Ready to be exhausted that was for sure. I fell into bed for the second night in a row not caring that I still smelt like the entire cleaning products aisle at the local grocery store or the fact that I had once again forgotten to remove my clothes. By 3 am this morning, all twisted up in a t-shirt and sweats, I couldn’t sleep any longer so I got up and decided to take a shower. Well…what happens when we wake up?

I had to pee…

Trying to be as quiet as possible, I walk into my little paradise with my eyes closed, forgetting to turning on any lights what so ever since I was still wanting to be asleep, knocked “something” over in the process, cursed softly yet still managed to make myself comfortable.


Aaaaaahhhhhh…smile

*POP!!*

HOLY MOTHER OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I woke up a half hour later lying on the floor in the fetal position with my head under the shower curtain and my dog licking my foot. Not only that but my bottom lip felt like 50 pounds, my shirt and bottom of the shower was drool soaked, my left eye and right boob twitched, my you-know-what felt like it just has sex with a branding iron and I could have swore the hair on my legs had grown an inch. After I collected what composure I had left I crawled to the light switch and what did I see??? Nothing, the damn breaker was blown…wtf! Soooo I got my fool ass up off the floor and found a flash light, pointed it towards the recesses of my once paradisial getaway and my bottom jaw dropped...

That “something” I had knocked over was my curling iron right into the magic well. It wasn’t sparking, it wasn’t smoking but it sure the hell was plugged in and precariously lodged just below the lid and above the water… Right around the rim was spark marks and residue left from the obvious lightning bolts that had invaded my ass not but a half an hour before as it threw me across the bathroom into the shower convulsing and slobbering.

You guessed it…I wasn’t exaggerating when I said that urine for a surprise. I had essentially electrocuted myself when I obviously sprinkled as I tinkled; a lesson I have so brow beat into my children that they are afraid to own up to…a lesson I will never forget. No more will I enter a bathroom in the dark without turning on the lights and making sure everything within a 5ft radius is unplugged and out of harms way, I shall always be weary of blowing breakers and will assume the position by involuntary will to protect myself from any stray acts of nature that would consist of more energy that my children carelessly consume in an entire year and will forever be amazed of how stupid I can be…

Anyone know how to ground a toilet?