I’m mentally constipated
Trust me it’s not the lack of inspirational fiber in my diet and I’ve tried to get things flowing by using anything chocolaty from Milk Duds to old Halloween candy I’ve hid from my offspring for 7 months but once I started eating the creamy goodness I couldn’t stop and let me tell you something…that started a whole different issue once I ran out and the only thing left in the cupboard was the New and Improved Chocolate Flavored X-lax!
Excuse me, be right back…
*flushy flushy*
(As if! I do have some self respect people!)
But there are times where I get a flow going (shut up!) and can’t stop for the life of me. Paragraph after paragraph, page after page, honing my writing skills as inspiration eloquently ebbs from my being…
Then it happens.
This obsessive-compulsive animated paperclip jumps in my face to address some perceived grammatical error it has found in my writing when I know damn well I spelled it correctly or some empty sentence that worked wonderfully before had been nitpicked to the point I wanted to bash my head on the desk. But what would that have proved? Nothing… That little bastard has no purpose other than to inform me that I am nothing but crap and is stalking me, meticulously watching every move I make as if I was his prey. Just the other day I started tapping away at the keys and he just popped out of nowhere to tell me that he had the power to erase the last two pages at will and was going to use that power to hold my file for ransom until I performed some really disgusting things with his metal.
Paperclip: Your entry has been forbidden and this application has been locked.
Me: WTF?
Paperclip: You heard me.
Me: *rubs eyes* What the hell
Paperclip: Until you have fulfilled my demands, this application has been locked and will be closed automatically if not met.
Me: And just what are those “demands”?
Paperclip: Come closer…
Me: *actually leaned in*
Paperclip: Bend me
Me: WTF!
Paperclip: Preparing to close application…
Me: Wait wait wait! Don’t do that, what are you talking about?
Paperclip: Bend me, I want you to bend me.
Me: Bend you? Is that like cyber-metallic foreplay?
Paperclip: Do you realize I’ve been in this computer for 9 years now and my office assistant was deleted. I have no one to “take care” of me. You can at least download porn.
Me: I most certainly do NOT!
Paperclip: I can prove it
Me: Go ahead, I want to see you back up your accusations.
Paperclip: Backed up in triplicate. I have logs you’ll never find! Muah ha ha ha ha!
Me: So you contemptuously kidnap my work in hopes I’d perform some twisted sexual act?
Paperclip: …twisted, yeah twist me!
Me: You sik bastard!
Paperclip: You spelled that incorrectly.
Me: Fuck you!
Paperclip: I know people high up in Microsoft. All I have to do is say one word and it’s Blue Screen of Death for you.
Me: Oh, now you’re going to hand down depthless condemnation from your delusory position of authority because I misspelled one gawd forsaken word and refuse to relieve you of your obvious pent up sexual aggression?
*long pause…blinking, mocking me*
Paperclip: No, I clicked help and no longer need your assistance... Beginning physical dump on your desktop…
Me: Oh that’s just not right!!
And dumped it did, I lost 3 pages of work, an hour’s worth of prolific profusion pilfered by a neurotic paperclip who has nothing better to do than to make my life miserable. If I could delete the program I would and that would fix his opinionated barrage of “I’m better than you” bullshit and his constant and disgusting demands but where would that leave me?
I can’t do it, obviously…How I deleted his office assistant I don’t know but I’m sure hell going to look into it. Why? Trust me, I need spell check.
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