A History Lesson

As my boisterous children rushed out to spend the evening with their father, I closed the door and retreated into a darkened room to be alone with my thoughts. Maybe I reminisce all too much. Maybe I'm hanging on to a life that I need to be familiar still and maybe I'm falling prey to the weak minded and…I dare not say. A half a box of tissue and 2 hours later, I'm no closer to finding a solution to the bevy of questions I keep asking. I just...I just keep hearing myself cry out but refusing to listen to the answers I already knew. Up till now, my life has been this open book but I'm finding that I am subconsciously rewriting the events that led me to this purgatory. For what reason, I don't know. Self pity no less…

On many occasions lately, I've found myself sitting in these shadows pondering about how life would have been if this or that had been played out differently. Had I gone left, would this have been so tricky or had I taken a right turn, would things have been a bit better for my family? Would I have even had my family had it not been for what most people refuse to believe in? Fact is, Fate has a funny way of slipping in unbeknownst to the oblivious. Had I chose not to do something, my life would have been changed forever.

One night in particular was August 17th, 1995 and on that day, my feet were firmly planted in the littered main streets in downtown hometown partaking in the annual festival that had become more monotonous the older I got. The rides were silly, the smells were nauseating, I no longer had the locker to display the etched mirrors won from the dart game and the people that passed me by were quickly becoming strangers. It had been 7 years since graduating from that small town, 7 years away discovering what life was like on my own.

I went with an old friend. Best friend to be exact. We had been close since grade school, cried together, laughed at and with each other and parted in a way I don't recall. Did we even say good bye? I believe we just drifted apart… a not so fitting end if you could call it that for we never really did said good bye to a bond that had lasted 15 years. We met up, caught up on old times, the new things going on in our lives and the things that never really changed and at one point I remember her saying "Wouldn't it be crazy if we saw Him here?"

I smiled and smirked "Him, yeah that would be" all the while I swallowed hard from some old feelings welling up from the pit of my stomach. Not sure if it was nerves, fear or that unknown thing but it was still fresh to me or at least something that never died away.

Then, as if by some cosmic bolt of Fate, the crowd gave way in either direction and there He was… I remember having to pick myself up off the ground for being so stunned that THAT could have happened right as my friend said what she had. It wasn't planned. It wasn't set up. It wasn't rehearsed. It just happened. To this day, I remember the shirt he wore, jean shorts and black sneakers and His grin…

Oh we took our time getting to know each other again in a little nook at the restaurant I used to work for. All tucked away in the corner, adults we were finally, candle light, conversation and that spark that never seemed to go away. I remember being told it was time to go, closing time, had it been that long that we talked? My friend excused herself to things unknown and Him and I walked on outside. I was nervous, my stomach jumped and my pulsed raced at the thought of what had happened just a few hours before not to mention what was to come considering neither one of us was ready to call it a night. Before I knew it, morning had come and I was in His arms. Things were fresh and new…For us, it was a beginning…again.

I remember...

Things were different back in school. It took years to get Him to just hold my hand, not that I didn't try my darnedest to get him to before that. I even became utterly oblivious to my surroundings as I walked into a stop sign because of my inability to not take my eyes off him as we walked home. I was in love. But what was love to a teenager? Were we even capable of such a thing at that age? By coincidence, that same best friend who had made that astounding declaration at the festival was the very person to bring us together years before.

"Do you like her?" Check yes or no…

"Yeah, she's alright" He scribbled.

"She likes you, want to go with her?" and the rest was history…

History…I chuckle even now. If it's anything we've learned it's that History repeats itself. Bell bottom pants, Tie Dye shirts, old boyfriends and war...do we ever learn our lesson? No. We're too stubborn and arrogant to admit defeat and life once again, goes on regardless of our own self destruction. We broke up and got back together I don't know how many times but after we graduated, our lives seemed to go in separate directions and me being the skeptical pessimist thought for sure it would have been the last I'd see of this man whom I gave my heart to on more than one occasion until...that 17th day of August, 1995.

It's now been 13 years, 1 wedding, and 2 children since that fateful day. 13 years we gave our lives to each other. 13 years later, here I am alone in the dark and daring to wonder what it would have been like had we not seen each other. Do I regret that night?

I chuckle once more in the shadows as I curled up in the chair with tissue in hand not even caring when the tears begin to fall. As I said before…history repeats itself.

I'm quickly reminded of one of my favorite movies, "It's a Wonderful Life". Poor George Bailey, in a rush of clouded judgment jumps from a bridge outside the little town of Bedford Falls in attempt to rid the world of his existence. Instead of drowning in his self pity, he's saved by Clarence, angel 1st class and cleverly taught some very hard lessons as to what his place was in this world and how the world would be completely different had he not been.

I would have like to have met Clarence but something tells me that I already know what my lessons would have been. I, too, sit in self pity as my lips taste salty tears. What would have been if we… I can't even continue. I don't want to. As I adjust my numb existence on the chair in the corner, I lifted my glasses to place them on the table next to me. On this table sat a small picture frame of 2 little boys with toothy grins and innocence…

A shaky finger slightly caressed each face as I shook the notion that regret had any place in my life and made my way back to my empty room. As I closed the door, I gazed upon the wall where a portrait of a time hung in silence. Blinking away hours of tears, I focused on the face of the man I fell in love with so many years before. If I could have reached out and felt of his face, it would have been instantaniously familiar as if it was just yesterday. Perhaps it was.

As each day that passes without Him here, I am reminded of just how vulnerable and so close to drowning I was. Self pity will be the death of me...if I let it. Like George Bailey, does the drastic HAVE to be what makes us see past our own selfish reasons? Do we have to be taught a history lesson to appreciate what we have in the here and now? Obviously and painfully so… But I will not, can not admit to regret. Even though I have found myself delving into these subconscious ideas that had I not been at that place at that time on that day, he would have been happier, I can not fathom what life would have been like had we not. Wishful thinking is not regret, but a longing and a want for someone that I love very much to have the best of what they deserve. If not me, than with another, yet I will never look back upon that fateful clear evening 13 years ago with anything but cherished sentiment or the lessons that seem to be repeating all too often until one day, I pray, we get it right.

I chuckle for the last time as I peer down upon the small black frame I still held with tired eyes and the memories flood in to temporarily wash away years of bitterness and pain within my weary soul. This was but just one reason why regret has no place in my life. Together, He and I made 2 beautiful lives and will forever be entwined no matter what path Fate has us travel down. In after thought, we've been through this before and with confidence, I believe we will again so I can either sit in alone in wonder and pity or I can go on with my life and hope that some fateful day in our future, history will unfold for us…as it had before. But until that time comes, I'll be a bit wiser, more appreciative to the lives that I touch and be very mindful of what I wish for. Wiping the last tear away, I place the picture frame on the headboard of the bed we shared. This room is not as empty as I once perceived it to be. The events accumulated in the last 2 decades has made for a harsh reality, no doubt but this reality is something that I would never change a moment of. I wouldn't have missed it for the world