The last 20 years...of being nothing short of sorta normal

As I left the mailbox and ripped open an envelop with a familiar address, I had become nervous and a little anxious at what I was about to read. It's wasn't like it was a notice from Publisher's Clearing House stating that I had won 10 million dollars and it wasn't like it were some obscure collector that wanted me to pay for the sins of my father's father but this letter made me jittery. What was it? Well, of all things, it was merely the questionnaire for my 20th high school reunion. Not just any set of questions, but ones, that when answered, would be printed and published for everyone to read; everyone that had graduated with me and whom I hadn't seen in 20 some odd years...

After I had ripped open the top, I dropped it on the table only to stare at it like it had cooties for 3 days. I've since gotten over my anxiety attack but still, it has taken me this long to just get the nerve gathered up enough to sit and answer the 20 questions about my life. I've mulled over what to say, which angle to take or if I should take one at all and just throw the paper way for 3rd or 4th time. First pen I used ran out of ink, was that an omen? Second pen gleefully scribbled absolutely...nothing. This time, I sat down at my computer and forced myself to write as if I had for any other post in my blog considering it made me more comfortable in the writing style I'm used to. But to be honest, I wasn't sure if I'm was going to send it along. I know there really isn't any wrong or right answers, just some hard truths that I'm not too sure I'm ready to admit to. Iono, maybe I feel like a failure amidst my other classmates who prolly have had more prolific lives led, unlike me, who has merely been a mother and a wife, nothing short of sorta normal.

So, what was I to say..?

Ok, well…I believe you know me as Toni B****** but not so much the B****** part anymore considering I married Richard K***, popped out 2 kids by the name of Trevor (10) and Jack (9), and have lived in basic obscurity in a little town named Wapella for the last 11 years now. I know there is a large gap between those 11 years and the *gulp* 20 years since graduating LeRoy High School but I'm sure you don't want to know about the party years at Illinois Wesleyan or the lame job I had to pay for it all. Granted there were some highlights from that time but they are memories better left unsaid and unprinted, hardy har har har…The only thing I'm rather steadfast to regret is that I hadn't listened to that nerd in the computer class a little more intently, but instead I fell head over heels in love with him and didn't learn a damn thing that I could have used as an intrigul part of my resume at the age of 38.

While my husband is off doing his "own thing", I typically go about my day doing nothing of importance other than to check the email, Myspace and text messages, pen a few lines of a book that will never be published, kiss boo boo's or referee arguments between 2 precocious boys, shuffle 2 dogs, 2 fish, 2 birds, and a hamster around as I try to find a glimpse of who I used to be. If you haven't guessed it by now, Ms Toni is separated like spoiled milk and I spend my time these days with my children and I'm grateful for having the opportunity to do so as I desperately look for that elusive high paying job with benefits like the thousands of others in this area just so the mortgage and car payment can be met.

Of course, obviously, how could one describe a life as typical when there were no guidelines or courses to prepare us for what lay ahead of us at the age 18. It's all about flying by the seat of our britches and making the best of what we can and hoping for the better as we create the next generation to live in the messes that we made. I can only fathom that my children will have 10x the opportunity as I did and they use it wisely. It seems the youth of today do just that, thinking everything should be handed to them on a silver platter or at least trust fund, college fund or one hella good cell phone/text package. I dearly hope that my children are capable of seeing past this and make a strong foundation as a lifetime of lessons bare down upon them all too quickly.

I know the boys are only 10 and 9 but I can already see that they are no longer the little guys I still see in my mind's eye. I remember the crawling years, teething on my furniture and the first big word coming from my oldest at less than 2 years old when he wanted something from the "Fridgrator". Now a days the words being tossed around would make a nun run in fear as I try my damnedest to get a grip on the next round of puberty and pimples as it rears its ugly head and I have to ask myself "Was I this obnoxious when I was this age?" Well…my mother seems to say that I was but I had a good head on my shoulders, none the less. I wasn't one those that stood on the corner and snuck in a cig between classes or did detention on a regular basis; I turned in my homework on time and actually retained some of what I learned in my years at LHS. Some, I said…some. By the time I was barely 16, I was working for Pete at the Old Bank Inn trying to make some extra cash to take the burden off my mom who, it seems, is the woman I am becoming as each day passes. Doesn't that sound funny? I'm sure at 16 or near, a young adults would be mortified to be accused of being like their parents but since I've gotten passed that "eewww" stage, I find it an honor to be even a shmidge of who she is.

So, yeah…It's been 20 years since graduating LeRoy ans in this questionnaire that was sent to me I'm sure a half a dozen times and I'm sure I some how lost, I was asked to describe my life with in a few lines, curt and to the point, with maybe a little humor thrown in within parenthesis. What are my greatest achievements since, challenges and accomplishments and what could possibly be said to the youth of today that would inspire them were among a smattering of other simple questions that were quite frankly hard for me to answer without revealing all too much of a very private life led for the last 20 years.

How could a person just throw in the tragic loss of a loved one like my brother at the age of 27? Or how can a person casually mention overcoming the worst part of a 3 year battle with Anorexia/Bulimia that almost killed her? They can't. Just like those first 2 sentences, there really isn't anything of importance in my ho-hum life to share in a memory book for a 20th reunion. Oh…I can say the usual was challenging like children and marriage, college and job hunting but that would be butt-numbingly boring. We've all had to deal with it so how do I explain my life without it? Well, I guess…I can't. My life has centered on it, period. I can definitely say, without a shred of doubt, that those challenges were my accomplishments and my failures. During the latter part of those 20 years, I have triumphantly become a cancer survivor and a not-so-single mother of 2 that is desperately trying to overcome some very tough lessons taught yet in retrospect, I am simply nothing short of sorta normal.

So what do I say to the blossoming youth of today? I could say something random like "Don't hang upside down from a tree while wearing a kilt" but that just goes to show you that I still have some immaturity desperately grasping upon the long chin hair of my adulthood. Maybe something like "Please make sure all hands and feet are with in the vehicle at all times and fasten your seatbelt because it's going to be a bumpy ride" would be more appropriate considering we are the vessel that will ultimately take us upon our journey through life. Just remember that we must take care of that vessel most immaculately, otherwise we will never arrive at our destination.

Well, there you have it…in the proverbial nutshell. Nothing exciting to report, nothing important to make the editorial cut, and nothing really to make one reads the fine print. To be honest, these few lines typed upon this page took me more than 2 hours to finish amidst the 3 blue screens of death and restarts, 2 temper tantrums involving your's truly wanting to pitch the flippin' computer out the window, tucking in the boys and taking the dogs out for the umpteenth time. Maybe at my age, 20 year old memories are hard to come by...maybe even harder to comment on. A wise and rusty old fellow once said that the only way to know where you're going is to know where you have been. Maybe he was right. Maybe the key to finding out who I am, is to remember who I was…20 some odd years ago…

So this questionnaire, I guess I'm finished. Let's hope I get an A.